Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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