I need to stop coming to work sober
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
