thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
