What did we do last night that was yellow?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
