you guys were way drunker than both of me
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I miss vodka workout Fridays
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
