I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
So much Jack, so little girl.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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