u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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