the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
