Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
