It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
