So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
