My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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