there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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