Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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