Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Randomize
