i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
well, you know. whores of a feather.
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