Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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