when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
