You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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