but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
