He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
