why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Drunk walkin through police station. America
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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