So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
