Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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