My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
