textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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