So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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