Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
