I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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