I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
