wake up i wanna do it froggy style
accomplished twins. life is a go
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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