Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
