wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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