I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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