My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
