I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
