My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
