where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
