so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
