she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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