Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
