people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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