see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
