I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Best friends brother. Beat that.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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