Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
