it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
