I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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