I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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