I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
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