seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
