I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
