and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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