i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
