I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
